Erik's Birthday
by Siren's Chant
Summary: It's Erik's Birthday! As a reviewer so eloquently put it, fop bashing and fopicide! R&R!


Note: This is a VERY, VERY goofy thing I wrote as a dare at a friend's birthday party. I was asked to come up with a Phantom of the Opera story in less than three minutes, so I came up with this. All my friend's said that I should type it and post it, so here it is. Please, if you are sensitive to Raoul, don't read this. I don't want to make you cry. And also, some parts are a little, how should I say, violent. But if you are okay with a little blood now and then, you might find this somewhat amusing. Don't hold this against me, I was not at the top of my sanity when I wrote this. Oh, wait, also there are some references to a Christmas story about the Phantom of the Opera I read some time ago. I didn't catch the author's pen name other wise I would give them credit. Okay. Here goes.  
  
Today was Erik's birthday, October 31. Raoul and Christine were invited to come to his home for a surprise party thrown by Madame Giry.  
  
"You made it! Oh, Raoul, go put on the donkey costume for Pin the Knife on the Donkey. I heard Erik say that was his favorite party game."  
  
"I don't think that a donkey costume is very attractive Madame Giry..."  
  
"No one is allowed to look better than the birthday boy. Therefore, everyone must look like crap. Now go change! If it's any consolation, the costume is pink..."  
  
"PINK!!! GAH! I LOVE PINK!" Raoul skips to change.  
  
"What did you get Erik, Madame?"  
  
"A new lasso. Since his old one was made of catgut, all the vermin down here ate it. What did you get him?"  
  
"It's a surprise!!!" Christine yelled (too loudly).  
  
"Use your indoor voice..."  
  
"SORRY!!!"  
  
"-ugh-"  
  
"Hurry, get to your places I can hear Erik!"  
  
A hush fills the room. Someone farts.  
  
"RAOUL! KEEP QUIET!"  
  
"Sorry, it's Christine's cooking..."  
  
Erik enters the room.  
  
"I know you all are here trying to throw me a surprise party but I know everything and therefore you failed miserably. Muhahahaha!"  
  
"Erik! How did you know that we were here?" Christine asked.  
  
"I didn't know you were here! I do that every year to make myself feel better. But you did this year! Yay!"  
  
Presently he kisses Christine full on the lips. Raoul walks in.  
  
"HEY!"  
  
Erik turns. "Raoul! You are looking better than usual!"  
  
"I'm wearing a pink donkey costume..."  
  
"I know!" He chuckles evilly.  
  
"Let's open presents and eat cake!"  
  
"I don't like cake..."  
  
"ERIK! YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE CAKE OR I AM GOING TO SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT!" Madame goes into hysterics. Erik gulps.  
  
"Presents first!" Christine says.  
  
"No, games first!" Raoul says.  
  
"Yes, games first..." Erik says.  
  
"That is the first time we've agreed on anything!"  
  
Erik laughs sinisterly. "Why, yes, it is... Muhaha..."  
  
"Erik, I insist, presents FIRST!" Christine says.  
  
"Anything you want Christine..." He kisses her again. Raoul is too busy trying to ward off angry partiers with knives to notice.  
  
"Open mine!" Christine says.  
  
"Okay... Where is it?..."  
  
"It's in the cake! Aren't I clever?"  
  
"The smartest woman in the world."  
  
"LET ME GET IT!" Madame yells crazed. "THEN WE CAN ALL LISTEN TO CHRISTINE SHRIEK HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AND..." Her sound dies out over the painful cries of Raoul.  
  
"Christine! They're stabbing me! ARGH! Get off! This suit is a rental! ARGH!"  
  
"Hahaha! Raoul, you sure get into the spirit of things! Hahaha!" She laughs jovially. "Oh look, it's blood! So authentic! Hahaha!"  
  
"Did you get me a card Christine?"  
  
"Oh, YES! Here!"  
  
He opens it. It says: To the world's greatest ugly person! Love, Christine.  
  
"They have cards for everything these days!" Christine says cheerfully.  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"I will help Madame with the cake." She leaves.  
  
"Having fun Raoul?" Erik says.  
  
"Well, other than the fact that I lost an arm, I having a blast!"  
  
"Good..."  
  
"Want my present Erik?"  
  
"Oh Raoul! You shouldn't have!"  
  
"It's over there, in the fireplace (?). You can get it. My arms are gone."  
  
"Okay!" Erik takes the present and opens it. It a picture of Raoul and Christine's wedding portrait.  
  
"Lovely..." Erik says. He begins to draw devil horns and a mustache on Raoul's face in his own blood.  
  
"I know! I look dashing! OUCH! You bloody mongrels! This is just like that Eagles song Hotel California!"  
  
"Speaking of eagles, I dotted that costume with seagull food and Madame hired a magician that uses seagulls! My evil plans are so elaborate! You cannot just die, you must die SLOWLY... MUHAHAHAHA! Maestro!"  
  
"Oh God! The Birds, The Birds!" *music plays from Alfred Hitchcock's movie The Birds*  
  
"CAKE!" Madame walks in and drops the cake on the table unceremoniously. The "mongrels" attack it with forks and begin to stab each other's eyes out.  
  
"Where did you get the party guests?"  
  
"Off the set of Lord of the Rings."  
  
"Where's Christine?"  
  
"HOW THE HECK SHOULD I KNOW?!?!?! AM I A BALLET INSTRUCTOR OR A BABYSITTER?!?!?! HUH, PUNK?!?!?!"  
  
"-Gulp-"  
  
"Where's my piece?" Christine says.  
  
"Christine! Where's my present?"  
  
"It's in the second cake. This one is for the cannibals."  
  
"Wait, back up." Raoul says. He is hard to see because he has now lost both of his legs and is being picked at by seagulls (if you have ever seen Monty Python and the knight that gets all his limbs cut off and still wants to fight then you know what Raoul looks like right now. Except he is in a pink donkey costume). "If they are cannibals, than why are they eating cake?"  
  
"They are Diabetics."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Somehow, Christine manages to grab three pieces without getting her arms gnawed off. "Here you are! I have to wash my hands, bits of men are on them!"  
  
Since Raoul is now blinded by the birds, Erik puts rat and roach poison into his slice. "Here you are Raoul..."  
  
"I'm back!" Christine takes Raoul's piece and makes to eat it.  
  
"For the love of God no!" Erik tackles her.  
  
"I accidentally put rat and roach poison in that piece." He pauses. "And, as long as I'm making confessions, I grabbed your butt too."  
  
"Oh, I just thought that was one of the cannibals getting frisky... But you're the birthday boy!" Erik ponders this and curses God for only allowing him to use this excuse on his birthday.  
  
"Now where's my present?"  
  
"Okay! I'll get it!"  
  
"Where'd everyone go?" Raoul asks.  
  
Erik looks at him with mild disappointment at the fact that he is still speaking. A huge cake comes into the room. The lights dim (as if they need to be in the cellar of the opera).  
  
"Presenting *anonymous drum roll*, DESSERT (again)."  
  
The cake zips open revealing Christine in a risqué showgirl costume. She walks seductively over to Erik, sits on his lap, and sings Happy Birthday as Marilyn Monroe did to President Kennedy.  
  
"There's your birthday present." She says. They kiss passionately.  
  
And Raoul, no longer coherent to his surroundings (perhaps not even alive), "sits" as a idle lump of flesh on the floor.  
  
"This was the best birthday ever!" Erik exclaims.  
  
~ THE END ~ 


End file.
